someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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