I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
