matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she smelled like a LAN party
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
