Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
