Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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