In America we eat man semen.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
