One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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