I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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