I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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