atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
