I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
