There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Enjoy the penises
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
