I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
