His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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