someone get that fucking seahorse.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
