remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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