take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My feet surprised me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
