just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
