Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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