Got a toothbrush?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
