The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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