life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
