ugly people sure do ruin things
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
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officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
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his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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