Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
