Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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