WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
