Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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