YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
