I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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