I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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