There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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