you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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