Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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