Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
