Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
