I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
