Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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