Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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