I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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