When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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