I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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