Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
