I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
