as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
