What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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