new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
