I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
