how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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