Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
