mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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