Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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