So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
