Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
