The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
