Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
