just come out here and I will go home with you...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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