Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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