last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
